This is Me Trying...

Confessions of a Spiritual Guide

I have a confession to make… and it’s one that isn’t easy to admit.

It isn’t easy to admit because I know what it’s going to sound like: ingratitude.

It isn’t easy to admit because I know what it’s going to look like: ego.

It isn’t easy to admit because as a spiritual leader, I should be polished and curated and have all the answers, right? I should be showing what it’s like on the other side of transformation, not what it looks like when your inner child is in the middle of a tantrum…

Right?

I once took a course with someone who instructed us to be vulnerable… but not too vulnerable. Share yourself, but not the messy parts. Be real, but in an Instagram-worthy way.

Sorry, but no. That doesn’t work for me.

I’m a creative first and foremost. I write my heart, share my soul, and embody my spiritual practice as part of my personal life…and always have.

That’s never going to change.

I’m not here to serve the algorithm. I’m not here for the sales pitches and the marketing lingo and the social media tactics to convince anyone that what I have to offer is of value.

I already know it is.

I’m here to be myself. Sometimes, it’s too vulnerable, too messy, and too real for those who aren’t used to authenticity.

And that’s OK.

But it’s also frustrating.

Here’s where my confession comes in…

Lately, I’ve been angry at it all.

Angry at the Universe. Maybe angry at myself.

Angry that after years of building a business with so much integrity, authenticity, and devotion, I don’t always see the reciprocity in the energy exchange. There are days where I feel like I can’t even give my content away for free—no one’s listening. No one wants it.

So what is it all for?

Resentment rises. Frustration flows.

Part of me—the burned out part of me—wants to shut it all down, retreat into my inner world, and not be of service to anyone anymore. I just want to give to myself now, I think, nurture myself. Maybe then I’ll feel better about what I’m creating because what I create always comes from the heart, always comes from the soul. But the world is so noisy and everyone is wanting to be heard, and I feel like what I have to offer is being drowned out, anyway.

Maybe I’ll disappear for a few years, I muse, and return with refreshed creativity, a new version of me. Maybe I’ll just put it all in a metaphorical trunk and shove it under my bed and retreat into my own little corner of the world.

That’s my inner child talking. I recognize her enough now to know that she just wants to take her toy and go home when she’s not feeling appreciated. She’s saying, “Fine. You don’t want it? I can go elsewhere.”

But that feels punishing. Scolding. Ungrateful. And if I’m being truly honest—I don’t really feel any of those things. I love my work. I love my community and clients so much. I feel honored to do what I do, and I know that I’ve helped so many people… and that has helped heal me.

But this is the shadow side of service that isn’t talked about enough. It’s the side that gives…and gives and gives and then gives some more.

And then isn’t met in that giving because we’re a consumer culture—capitalism at its core is all about taking and what it can get.

And that just makes me sad.

I wish we valued each other more. I wish we valued ourselves enough to want to invest in and commit to what’s good for us, instead of the fast, the easy, the one-click wonders.

“Perform this love ceremony and come into union!” the spiritual gurus claim. Meanwhile, their sales pages are filled with all the marketing tactics that make you say, “Yes, that’s what I need!”

But what they don’t tell you is that you’re the love you’ve been wanting and always have been. What they don’t show you is how to connect with yourself, how to empower yourself, how to honor yourself so that you’re creating exactly the relationship you want.

They don’t hold space for you. They don’t teach you to trust yourself. They don’t guide you in remembering who you already are.

They make you think they’re taking something broken and making it better, when you were never broken to begin with.

And people eat it up. Because they’re consumers, not transformers. They want the surface-level spirituality where it feels safe enough to the ego but not too far out of the comfort zone for real change.

I know I sound bitter. In this moment, I am. Because it’s bullshit. And yet, this is what the algorithm wants.

But here’s what I’m realizing in the middle of all this sacred anger:

Frustration doesn’t mean I don’t love what I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t value my community. It means I care so deeply that when I see this playing out—especially when I experience this in my own life and business—it hurts.

It hurts because I believe in something more.

I believe in transformation over consumption. I believe in the kind of spirituality that doesn’t just soothe your ego but awakens your soul. I believe in community that values depth, truth, and authenticity—not quick fixes.

And most of all, I believe in the work I do because I know the transformation it carries.

So no, I’m not going to shove my offerings in a trunk and under the bed. I’m not going to punish anyone by taking my work away. But I am going to honor myself more. I’m going to create when it feels like love, not when it feels like obligation. I’m going to nurture the part of me that longs to be seen, so that I don’t keep looking outside myself for validation that only I can give.

And I’m going to keep being me. Messy. Raw. Imperfect.

And most importantly…

Real.

The world doesn’t need another surface-level sales pitch or marketing gimmick. It doesn’t need another carefully-crafted Instagram carousel. It doesn’t need spiritual guides who show you the manifestation and not the evolution.

It needs people who are willing to stand in the fire of their own authenticity and say, “This is me.”

That’s the space I want to keep holding. That’s the leader I want to be.

And if it means my work reaches fewer people but goes deeper… I’m all kinds of OK with that. Because I’d rather walk with the soul-evolvers and world-changers and empowered creators than entertain consumers. Because world-changers don’t just scroll for answers—they explore the depths of themselves and lean into the fire, willing to be changed by it.

At the end of the day, it’s never about the algorithms—the scroll or the sale.

It’s about real evolution. It’s about living from the soul.

And that’s something I’ll always stand behind.